guess I'm just tired...

of being used and abused, I guess I'm just an idiot...not an idiot, but I do have to learn that not everyone is how they seem.

I just wish that for once, the guy I like, likes me back! (and if he is an otaku metalhead that is willing to do Kaito's cosplay, even better)

just that! bye bye!

the rape party

“Fuck! I could scream!” I thought. The party was such a mega-bore, or at least that was my opinion until this cute pixie girl came walking towards me and sat crossdlegged on the floor. Now, that kind of psuedo-hippie posturing usually has me chucking up! But, this girl was different...
She spoke.
"Is it just me, or does this party think it’s too cool for its own good?" When she'd done, her eyes searched mine for a reply. I was surprised, I’d noticed she’d barely spoken to anyone in tjhe crowded room and yet, she spoke to me. I felt flattered.
She had this power... so I decided to let fly:
“Yeah, you’re right, it does," I said.
"This world can be so blisteringly fascinating and then there’s this... acres of vain metro-sexual guys in black drainpipe jeans and winkle-picker boots and all these fuckin’ vacuous EMO girls in black mini-skirts wearing far too much make-up!
The conformity of it... it’s all shit!” I said.
“Wow!” she said. Her eyebrows were raised: “You’re angry, aren’t you? I like your passion.”
I laughed. “Sometimes I am,” I told her.
“You must be frustrated about something,” she said with a knowing smile.
She had this power, you see...
I played along. “Could be,” I said. “Why, are you a nurse or something, come to cure me?”
Her eyes narrowed. "Hah! Spoken like a true, are you capable of speaking like a gent, or am I wasting my time, Mister?"
I looked down. She’d caught me. I felt a little nervous. I’m always the dominant one in anything I do, yet with her I felt small, her presence was mind-blowing and I couldn’t help but wonder how she would feel underneath me, pressed against a wall by my superior strength. She was small, skinny, elfin, very alluring. There was an uneasy moment before I looked at her again and asked:
"What do you think a gent should say on this occasion?"
She smiled. I loved the sparkle in her eyes. She was just playing with me, how did she dare to? She came crawling over to me and she didn't care that everyone in the room could be watching... she didn't give a shit about getting her clothes dirty... I realised then that this was the source of her power; she was edgy and very confident with it.
Then she did something I wasn’t expecting: she kissed me! She straddled the chair I was sitting in. I could feel her vulva against my dick, pressing down on it. I truly wished that we were both naked. I imagined her bouncing up and down on my cock, squelching her juice all down my bouncing balls! I got an instant erection thinking that. She felt it and whispered, between kisses: “So that’s what all your anger’s about, huh?” Her kissing was perfect, just as I imagined it would be: A mix of pixie and vampire, not the kind of mouth ever to be dominated by men. I could see she was an expert tease and that’s what exited me even more... to try and control a girl like her was going to be my quest.
Yes, it was, I resolved.
I couldn’t think clearly. Our tongues weaved in and out of each other’s mouths. I deepened the kiss, pressing my tongue on her teeth, sucking her tongue by its root. Now it was my turn to not care who saw us. She gasped as the hard kisses continued and I felt her pulling away. I knew her game, give then withhold, and I wasn’t about to let her get away with that.
Would you?
It was my turn now to control the situation. I grabbed her tight by the throat as our lips closed tight. Her lacy fairy wings were annoying the fuck outta me, but I didn't want to rip them off and offend her. They were part of her charm after all. And, dressing as a pixie - far from looking ridiculous - actually looked quite natural on her: wings and all. I lifted the hem of her ballerina's tutu, pushed aside her flimsy cotton knickers and started to finger her cunt. My other hand was still gripping her throat and I knew by her frantic breathing through her nose that I was starting to choke her, but I didn't give a fuck!
I felt tears bounce off my knuckles, but then the crafty bitch surprised me again, because she reached for the zipper on my jeans to free my dick. I let her. She put her small hand inside and started to massage my erection and that was what set me on edge. I pushed her back and wrenched my jeans down over my thighs, my hard-on bouncing in her face. Throwing her down on the floor, behind a big sofa, I knelt over her face and made her suck me. I just had to feel those swollen lips of hers over my cock, those lips that seemed to scream for me to bang her and make her mine, even if she screamed no, to ravish her so hard she would end up in tears...of ecsatsy!
Shit, this was getting quite dark!
Even as I saw the tears on her face, I knew she was enjoying it. Why? How could this fairy princess, the dominatrix of the group, a hardcore lesbian, be enjoying this so much? All I could see was her responsive hands and mouth coaxing from me what she knew was inevitable.
In under a minute she got it.
‘Dirty little whore!’ I said as I felt the ultimate spasm approach, racing up my thighs and balls as I face-fucked ‘pixie’ with renewed violence. As I came deep in her mouth, I pressed against the back of her head so hard that she had no choice but to swallow my entire load. I didn't want to get semen all over her pixie clothes... she would never forgive me!
She looked up at me, defiantly, challenging me to go further with all this... as if she were only half-fed, her lusts only partly sated. I could see she wanted more. It was as if something in her had energised me and my prick easily came back to life in her mouth and hardly lost any of its firmness. Her deep brown, almost black eyes, the kind you could actually mistake for darkest night... stared up at me as I pulled out of her mouth. She pulled me down and we kissed again, just as hard as before, the semen flavour on her mouth another ingredient in the aphrodisiac mix that was coursing through us both.
She whispered: "Give me more, but just remember that I'm only yours for a short while, so oblige me, Mister!"
“You’ll get more, you little slut!” I whispered.
“Mm, my resistance will only make you hornier, won’t it?” she asked.
I said it would. She laughed at my audaciousness and said she would match it, “...Hook, line and sinker!” She spoke strangely accented English, mixing odd words and phrases, which was part of her charm. She was like crack, one hit and I’d become an addict!
I had to have her and if she wanted more, I was happy to give it to her. “You really want this?” I asked her. She nodded and said, “Yeah, let’s see what you’ve got!” I dragged her out into the garden and threw her against a nearby wall. The force was so great she almost rebounded. I grabbed her by her hair and held her down, in a kneeling position. My other hand was busy moving aside her skirt and ripping her panties down to her knees. I then entered her cunt from behind with all the force I could manage. The pixie gasped as I filled her completely. Her pussy depth was amazing! Few girls can actually handle my size easily and yet she did, and I could tell by her little sighs and moans that she was getting off on the hard sex, like the nasty whore she really was. I started to bite her neck and lick her ears as I pumped inside her again and again, all the time increasing the violence of my thrusts.
“Oh you bastard!” she groaned, “Rape me, rape me!”
She cried as she orgasmed, but I was not sated and I didn’t slow down at all as she thrashed about under me, gripping the hanging vines dangling from the brick wall above her. I felt her shuddering again, a multiple orgasm had overtaken her... “Oh, you bastard! Rape me!” she groaned, again and again. This time I joined her in a blissful climax and pulled her hair, forcing her cute face sideways to me, kissing her in a welter of saliva.
When I finally slipped out of her cunt, slewing pearly spunk on the grass below us, she just threw herself in the dirt and laughed.
"We should do this again sometime, Mister."
As I’d perceived, she actually liked being taken hard. But, I decided to continue playing the game she’d devised.
"I thought you were lesbian?" I said.
She rolled over, her legs akimbo and looked up at me. Her eyes were sparkling.
"Never label me, Mister! I’m not a dike. I go with anyone I fancy, OK!" she said.
"Sure," I said. "That's a good thing."
I zipped up my jeans and went back to the party, back to the posers and the psueds, but now the place had just gotten a whole lot better! Later, I saw pixie with her girlfriend, the one she’d turned up with. They were obviously an item and pixie was no longer the cute little slut she had been with me. She was once again the icy Alison Goldfrapp-type ingénue who liked to treat her girls like princesses and act out a sadistic version of Prince Charming with them, a common theme among lesbians, I’m told.
There was obviously a massive BDSM component to the whole charade with pixie, but apparently ‘the rape’ was going to be our dark little secret... or maybe not? Who the hell could tell with a complex girl like her?
I couldn’t!
I half-expected a graphic description of our copulation to appear on FaceBook anytime soon...

© 2009 Adriana Lovera, Eira Hviti.
I see ourselves, entwined in this dance of the flesh. We continuely search to grasp, what is left of you and I on the bed.
We move further into the abyss, we fall under the sin of the agony.

I just see ourselves, dying inside each other.

got tired of the goth challenge, actually, I even forgot to come to the blog

as if it weren't obvious! I just haven't been feeling well, I really have a bad tendency to see the best in people when they only show their worst and are bad people.
Why do I have to trust idiots? I don't know how much betrayal I can stand anymore.

Day 17 – Your favourite or most expensive item in your wardrobe.

most expensive is my prized leather coat, a gift from my mother on our last trip to Argentina a few days before Halloween. I don't know if you can see it good on this pic, but I don't have many with it. With the weather here in Venezuela, is hard using a coat, which has me under a foul mood ussually, I don't like the heat. That is why I love Scotland so much, the sun doesn't burn your skin.

Favorite now that would be my only lolita item, my black and white coat...though it no longer has the bows, never did like them. I bought it on Camdem Town market in London, and I just love it! the thing is, as with my other baby, I can't use coats on this weather, it's very unpractical, and I really don't like to sweat.

Day 16 – What's the most casual you've ever dressed?

The uniform of my old job: jeans, doctor marteens boots, some t-shirt, a jumper, and the horrible white shirt with the company's logo.
I think I have a pic somewhere of me in uniform playing with some student's sunglasses, let me find it!

*searching through her computer database*

                                                                                                                                 Found it!

Best that I can do to show it.

Day 15 – Name your favorite three movies.

3. Dr. Zhivago
Doctor Zhivago (RussianДо́ктор Жива́го) is a 1965 epic drama-romance-war film directed by David Lean and loosely based on the famous novel of the same name by Boris Pasternak. It has remained popular for decades, and as of 2010 is the eighth highest grossing film of all time in the United States, adjusted for inflation.


The Nightmare Before Christmas

 It tells the story of Jack Skellington, a being from "Halloween Town" who opens a portal to "Christmas Town". Danny Elfman wrote the film score and provided the singing voice of Jack, as well as other minor characters. The remaining principal voice cast includes Chris SarandonCatherine O'HaraWilliam HickeyKen Page and Glenn Shadix.
The genesis of The Nightmare Before Christmas started with a poem written by Tim Burton when he was a Disney animator in the early 1980s. With the success of Vincent in 1982, Disney started to consider The Nightmare Before Christmas as either a short subject or 30-minute television special. Over the years, Burton's thoughts regularly returned to the project, and in 1990, Burton and Disney made a development deal. Production started in July 1991 in San FranciscoWalt Disney Pictures decided to release the film under their Touchstone Pictures banner because the tone was rather dark for children.

and for number 1 is: *drumroll*

Dracula (starring Bela Lugosi)

Renfield (Dwight Frye), a British solicitor, travels through the Carpathian Mountains via stagecoach. The people in the stagecoach are fearful that the coach won’t reach the local inn before sundown. Arriving there safely before sundown, Renfield refuses to stay at the inn and asks the driver to take him to theBorgo Pass. The innkeeper and his wife seem to be afraid of Renfield’s destination, Castle Dracula, and warn him about vampires. The innkeeper's wife gives Renfield a crucifix for protection before he leaves for Borgo Pass, whence he is driven to the castle by Dracula's coach, which was awaiting him at Borgo Pass, with Dracula himself disguised as the driver. During the bumpy ride, Renfield leans out and starts to ask the driver to slow down, but is startled to see that the driver has disappeared, and a bat is leading the horses.
Renfield enters the castle welcomed by charming but odd nobleman Count Dracula (Bela Lugosi), who unbeknownst to Renfield, is a vampire. Renfield expresses concern about the strange disappearance of the coach driver and his luggage, but Dracula assures him that he has arranged to have his luggage delivered. They discuss Dracula's intention to lease Carfax Abbey in London, where he intends to travel the next day. Dracula then leaves and Renfield goes to his bedroom. Dracula hypnotizes Renfield into opening a window and then causes him to faint. A bat is seen at the window, which then morphs into Dracula. Dracula's three wives suddenly appear and start to move toward Renfield to attack him, but Dracula waves them away, and he attacks Renfield himself.
Aboard the schooner Vesta, bound for England, Renfield has now become a raving lunatic slave to Dracula, who is hidden in a coffin and gets out for feeding on the ship's crew. When the ship arrives in England, Renfield is discovered to be the only living person in it; the captain is lashed on the wheel and none of the ship’s crew is discovered. Renfield is sent to Dr. Seward’s sanatorium.
Some nights later at a London theatre, Dracula meets Dr. Seward (Herbert Bunston), who is with a group in a box seat area. Dr. Seward introduces his daughter Mina (Helen Chandler), her fiancé John Harker (David Manners), and the family friend Lucy Weston (Frances Dade). Lucy is fascinated by Count Dracula, and that night, after Lucy has a talk with Mina and falls asleep in bed, Dracula enters her room as a bat and feasts on her blood. She dies in an autopsy theatre the next day after a string of transfusions, and two tiny marks on her throat are discovered.
Several days later, it is seen that Renfield is obsessed with eating flies and spiders, devouring their lives also. Professor Van Helsing (Edward Van Sloan) analyzes Renfield's blood, discovering Renfield’s obsession. He starts talking about vampires, and that afternoon chats with Renfield, who begs Dr. Seward to send him away, because his nightly cries may disturb Mina’s dreams. When Dracula awakes and calls Renfield with wolf howling, Renfield is disturbed by Van Helsing showing him a branch of wolfbane. It stops wolves, as Van Helsing says, and also is used for vampire protection.
Dracula visits Mina, asleep in her bedroom, and bites her, leaving neck marks similar to those on Lucy. The next morning, Mina tells of a dream in which she was visited by Dracula. Then, Dracula enters for a night's visit at the Sewards. Van Helsing and Harker notice that Dracula does not have a reflection in a mirror. When Van Helsing shows this "most amazing phenomenon" to Dracula, he reacts violently, smashes the mirror and leaves. Van Helsing deduces that Dracula is the vampire.
Meanwhile, Mina leaves her room and runs to Dracula in the garden, where he wraps his cape around her and attacks her; the next morning, she is found and awakened from unconsciousness. Newspapers report that a "mysterious, beautiful woman in white" has been luring children from the park with chocolate, and then biting them. Mina recognizes the beautiful lady as Lucy, who has risen as a vampire. Harker wants to take Mina to London for safety, but he is finally convinced to leave Mina with them. Van Helsing orders Nurse Briggs (Joan Standing) to take care of Mina when she is sleeping, and not to remove the wreath of wolfbane from around her neck.
Renfield again escapes from his cell and listens to the three men discussing vampires. Before Martin (Charles K. Gerrard), his attendant, arrives to take Renfield back to his cell, Renfield relates to Van Helsing, Harker and Seward how Dracula convinced Renfield to allow him to enter the sanitorium by promising him thousands of rats with blood and life in them.
Dracula enters the Seward parlour and talks with Van Helsing. Dracula states that because he has fused his blood with Mina's, she now belongs to him. Van Helsing swears revenge by sterilizing Carfax Abbey and finding the coffin where he sleeps; he will then thrust a stake through his heart. Dracula tries to hypnotize Van Helsing, almost succeeding, but Van Helsing shows a crucifix to the vampire and turns away.
Harker visits Mina on a terrace, and Mina speaks of how much she loves "nights and fogs". Harker notices Mina’s changes and says he likes them, not realizing that she is slowly transforming into a vampire. A bat (Dracula) flies above them and squeaks to Mina, to which she responds: "Yes? ... Yes? ... I will". Mina then tries to attack Harker. Fortunately, Van Helsing and Dr. Seward arrive just in time to save him. Mina confesses what Dracula has done to her, and tries to tell Harker that their love is finished.
Later that night, Dracula hypnotizes Nurse Briggs into removing the wolfbane wreath from Mina's neck and opening the French windows so he can enter her room. Van Helsing and Harker see Renfield, having just escaped from his cell, heading for Carfax Abbey. They see Dracula with Mina in the abbey. When Harker shouts to Mina, Dracula sees them, thinking Renfield had trailed them. He strangles Renfield and tosses him down a staircase, and is hunted by Van Helsing and Harker. Dracula is forced to sleep in his coffin, as sunrise has come, and is trapped. Van Helsing prepares a wooden stake while Harker searches for Mina. He finds her in a strange stasis. Dracula moans in pain when Van Helsing impales him, and Mina returns to normal. Harker leaves with her while Van Helsing stays. Church bells are heard, implying that they may be married.

Day 14 – what kind of music do you listen as a guilty secret?

I love with a passion asian music, especially pop, especially korean girl pop bands, such as: girl's generation or wonder girls.
It's so girly, and feminine, and cute. I don't know why, I just simply adore them, they fit into my ideal bands, or in my top 5, but they sure are funny and make me smile when I listen to them.

Day 13 – Post a pic of someone you admire within the sub-culture.

Obviouslly as an artist, I have to say that there is no one that I admire more than Anna Varney Cantondea.
I love her style, her music, the messages hidden in her lyrics.
I love the way she speaks through her music, is beautiful. Her music always makes me smile or cry, she makes me feel.

She's, or well her music is, the closest thing to true love that I have known through my life.

Of course, as a model, I admire this lady from Germany that goes by the name for_my_darkness on the site
But she is more oh my god! she has style! and nothing more.

Day 12 – What's your gothic inspiration?

What is my gothic inspiration? Let alone Sheridan LeFau, or Edgar Allan Poe, or Charles Baudelarie...
Taking aside Bela Lugosi, and all the people that are worth something. Skulls, graveyards, the constant sadness that death gives, the arts, the passion in the soul.

I love everything morbid, macabre, I love old B-horror movies, black and white photography, the victorian era, the elegance of the night. (No, I do not believe myself to be a vampire thank you, nor do I dream of being bitten by one, to be rather honest, I don't like being bitten that much.)

I guess you could say I like the cliche of dark aesthethic and culture, many have thought so already, and as much as I would apreciatte it if they were to hear me out and change their opinion, their ignorance is to me nothing more than a tickle in my belly.

Uhm, I guess I have already answered today's question. Sorry for taking so long, but my internet was down during the weekend.

Day 11 – What genre of music do you dislike?

I rather listen to black metal than to this shit!
I'm sorry for my french, but really, this is just disgusting.
All the lyrics talk about fucking, and if you fuck the most, then you're THE man.
All the woman are women of the street, and you dance it as if you were having sexual intercourse with your clothes on in the middle of the dance floor.

This is not music! This is noise! a degrading noise! NOISE!

Day 10 – What do you hate and love about the subculture?

hate...uhm maybe the gothier than thou people, or the ones than only see the music of it and if you don't listen to deathrock, you are not goth.
I hate those people with a passion! and I hate it when they go saying steampunk, victorian, lolita, etc, are not another way goth turned out to be.

what I love? The music, the aesthethic, the love for the macabre, the quirks. I find everything of the subculture appealing and amazing, it's the people in it I don't agree with most of the time.

Day 9 – Have you ever dated outside the sub-culture?

Actually, the question is have I ever dated within the subculture? As I've explained before, goths in my country are scarse and most are deathrockers or just plain weird. I don't like most of them, and most of them don't like me, so that complicates matters when I wish to date, doesn't it?

I ussually date guys that are metalheads, those are the ones that understand least decently. Though right now, I'm dating a steamer. Does that count? Steampunk is basically a sister sub-culture, basically just another road goth took through life. So I guess right now I'm dated within the subculture...for the first time.

to be honest, he's so far, the best candidate I've ever had, and he's so for the keeps. n.n
I'm trully happy with him, even though I'm afraid everything will eventually fade, and things will crumble, and good things always have an end...I hope this ends when we are old and nagging at each other. xD

Day 8 – What's your worst and best experience with non-Goths?

Let's start off with the worst, bunch of baby-bats, metal heads pretending to be goth, and just one goth...MYSELF!
I was treated with hipocrisy because they all thought of me as a slutty baby-bat, because "Epica is the mother of all gothic bands." /sarcasm

They didn't outright insult me because of the big guy beside me, a metalhead, but a good egg and doesn't try to be something he's not, at least on the goth part.

This picture is the only one of that day that I keep, to remind myself that in this country, is near impossible to find good friends because everyone thinks they're la crem de la crem.

Now, with the best:
My best friend is not goth, she's a gamer/otaku/cosplayer studying to be a fashion designer and we shall open a clothing store for our line one day.
We just spent the whole day, she, her metalhead/otaku/cosplayer bf, a mutual friend that is like family for us, and me, in the natural science museum we have.
Nothing out of the extraodirnary but we made it so, best day, best friends, best everything.
I love my few friends I have, and none of them are really goth.

That says something of this country, where a goth rather hang out with everyone save for the "goths".

Day 7 – Five of your favourite goth bands.

5 - Voltaire

4 - Abney Park (steampunk/goth)

3 - Lacrimosa

2 - Scary Bitches

1 - Sopor Aeternus and the Ensemble of shadows (The goddess: Anna Varney Cantondea)
Her lyrics, the music, she trully a goddess of music. She's MY angel of music. She inspires me to unlimited dreams, and takes to far away places just by listening to her. She is my one, and truest love.

Day 6 – Hand write your favourite lyric and take a picture.

I must say that I am sorry, but my handwriting still leaves lots to be desired, so I won't handwrite my favorite lyrics.
I will copy/paste the words though, because after all, they are my favorite lyrics.

At this moment, my favorite lyrics are two, from two different bands.

One is Herr Drosselmeyer's doll from Abney Park.

Herr Drosselmeyer's Doll
There she is on the stage
Spinning as she sprawls
Thank God the curtains fall
Her spring is sprung
And dances done
Spinning as she sprawls
Thank God the curtains fall

In the morning, he twists the key quite hard
And ticking, she's brought to boil
"Relevé, my sweet, en pointe, en garde!"
Her innards twang as they uncoil

Herr Doktor's fingertips trace by
On craquelature from every fall
The daylight made to race right by
With paint and paste and stitch and awl

"Patient, patient, bumblebee,
Soon your audience admire
A shapely arabesque or three
I'll wind you up, you'll never tire."

Starry tutu, sullen moon
A frozen carmine mouth
Twinkles as she jerks and swoons
The ladies ushered out

"Gentlemen, this fallen angel is the illegitimate daughter of art and science. A modern marvel of engineering, clockworks elevated to the very natural process which even now is in your blood, racing, your eyes flashing at such irreproachable beauty. Here is Gaia, here is Eve, here is Lilith, and I stand before you as her father. Sprung fully-formed from my brow, dewy and sweet; she can be yours and yours again, for her flesh is the incorruptible pale to be excused from the wages of sin."
(winds her up)

And as the sack cloth, sodden, slumps
Beneath these chipped and china limbs
The sour flesh pines, grunts and thumps
"Step right up, boys, tuppence for a spin!"

and the other one is from Sopor Aeternus and the ensemble of shadows, my favorite band.
The song is called: All men are like chocolate.

Gentle words had been my weapons
careful openness, and fragile honesty
had gradually begun to slowly win him over
snd somehow had lured him here

Despite my obvious display of defect
my miserable frailty
of which I never made a secret
I’ siarmed him with my sincerity
that never waned, despite the laughter
of public insult, ridicule
not even when confessing meant
turning myself into a wretched fool

Some men are like chocolate,
but most of them are like shit
and if you don’t have the experience to spot that tiny difference
you’re likely to fall for all of it

In secret on those
rare occasions
when no living soul was near
no eyes, no ears
no other people
were around to see or hear
so there was no danger of some chance intruder
to doubt his manliness and strength
then suddenly his words grew gentler,
and his gestures slightly changed

He did not seem to mind my presence at all
came even closer of his own accord
yet still he veiled
each subtile revelation
in rough-cut gowns of what we call ’the accidental touch’

Some men can truly be like chocolate,
but most of them are more like shit
and if you don’t have the experience to spot that subtile difference
you’re likely to fall for all of it

Some men are like chocolate,
but most of them are like shit
and if you don’t have the experience to spot that subtile difference
you’re likely to fall for
the mere promise of a kiss

Day 5 – Is there a local Goth band or group in your area?

not really! At least not that I know of, but I also am not very much connected to the musical scene in here. I have found that I have different opinions of those of others, and that does not bode well in this world.

I have, however, helped some friends form their own bands, mostly metal I have to admit.
In this picture I am with the lead singer of what once a project of a death metal band that wa squite particular, they had no guitarrist.

Yes, only the vocals, the drums, and a bass. I admit I found their music something close to noise, but I still helped them until they decided to part their own ways. I am good as a manager.

That's why my friends always ask for my help to organize events and represent them as artists. I admit as well,  that I find this terribly amusing. I beleive my capacities come from common sense and the fact that I know that to get those things we want, we have to know how to speak and to whom speak to.

An ability I have seen is lacking in today's artists. I have no mind for this, it means bussiness for me to continue on my art and my dream.

As far as a groupd goes though, yes that, there is. I am sadly, the only voctorian goth around. Everyone falls into all the many other categories, and that makes them interesting just for a while. I ussually hang out with the otakus, frikis, gamers, and one or two metalhead.
Goths here are either too close to our punk cousins and I find them useful only as watch dogs, because of their rabid attitudes, or they beleive themselves higher because they have material possesions.

I value knowledge, style, hability, and the wonderful magic of understanding oneself. We all make mistakes, I do them a lot, yet me and my friends admit it. We love ourselves even though of our differences, in here, we are the true misfits, everyone else is just the same.

Day 4 – Name a stereotype or cliche you can relate to.

Victorian goth is the answer, though it's halfa-way there. In my country there are two main reasons of why acting victorian and dressing as one are two different things whatsoever.

I act, think, do, as a victorian girl, or at least as much as I can be in today's downfalling society of dogs and rats. In which the plague is no sickness, but stupidity and the incapacity of its people to actually dream.

Yet, dressing the part is imposible on two basis:

Number 1: Dresses are very expensive, and my job as an english teacher does not pay much.

Number 2: if you look just a bit different than the usual crowd, you are the perfect target to get mugged, robbed, kidnapped, killed over your shoes, than the other sad person who walked beside you on the street.

So, as much as I follow the stereotype of victorian goths, I must say, dressing the part is a big and fatal no. Hence why many people beleive I am a baby-bat still. They forget I live in a place where your life is measured by the type of shoes you wear, and the difference between life and death lies on actually acting the way modern society wants you at least dressing as much.

I must add I find this terribly anoying, I so hate the fabric by which jeans are made. They're terribly unconfortable, and don't give you the freedom of movement a long skirt can give you.

Day 3 – When did you come out the Goth closet?

I was 16, or was it 17?, and a few days before my birthday, I changed the whole theme, made it more halloween like, changed my dress and told my mom and sister that I'm goth and that I like it. They always have thought of it as a joke. They still actually quite anoying because they always say I look like a sad clown when I dress. Yeah, in a conventional family, being a goth is quite stupidly anoying. as usual, as it happens everywhere in the planet.

Day 2 – Share photos and experiences from your Baby Bat days.

Oh my! now this is funny! I think I have some pics laying around, let's just find them on my laptop's hardwire.

Yeah, those were some times! xD

Mostly at school, with my friends who were alternative but not goth. I used to hang out with the hippies, the rastafarie, the metal heads, and the punks. Especially the punks, at one moment, when I started dressing more deathrocker, some confused me for a punk. Though I must say I rather wear long victorian gowns and dresses, with a mini top hat, but it is hard, so I only dress up when I'm going to a tea party or basically I know I wont be going to school or work, people here in Venezuela can be very demeaning and attack you just because you're a "COMEGATO" or "cat-eater".

Because everyone that dresses in black is a satanist for sure! /sarcasm

Day 1 - goth challenge

Day 1 – How did you come across the subculture?

Well, simples. I was always into dark stuff, vampires, graveyards, tea parties, listening to the classical authors as well of all the typical music a girl my age was suppossed to listen in whatever country I was in at the moment.
Then, while browsing some pictures on internet, I saw the term goth and started reading about the subculture, started listening to deathrock and deathwave bands such as sopor aeternus and specimen, and got, well, hooked as if to say...

In the beggining I can admit to be a baby-bat, also thinking that MM was pop instead of schock-pop, and all that stuff, but many of us start that way.
I can just say, I'm a goth, and I love my subculture.

Santo Domingo has a blazing sun mostly all of the time, and when you're just coming out of a party, well, it does not bode well with my clothes.

the goth challenge

I've seen Lolita versions and I've even seen Punk versions but now I've found and edited a Goth one. 
A whole month of questions to answer and share with my readers.

Day 1 – How did you come across the subculture?
Day 2 – Share photos and experiences from your Baby Bat days.
Day 3 – When did you come out the Goth closet?
Day 4 – Name a stereotype or cliche you can relate to.
Day 5 – Is there a local Goth band or group in your area?
Day 6 – Hand write your favourite lyric and take a picture.
Day 7 – Five of your favourite goth bands.
Day 8 – What's your worst and best experience with non-Goths?
Day 9 – 
Have you ever dated outside the sub-culture?
Day 10 – What do you hate and love about the subculture?
Day 11 – What genre of music do you dislike?
Day 12 – What's your gothic inspiration?
Day 13 – Post a pic of someone you admire within the sub-culture.
Day 14 – what kind of music do you listen as a guilty secret?
Day 15 – Name your favorite three movies.
Day 16 – What's the most casual you've ever dressed?
Day 17 – Your favourite or most expensive item in your wardrobe.
Day 18 – What was your best and worst DIY disaster.
Day 19 – Name the best websites for Goths.
Day 20 – 
Worst hair experience. 
Day 21 – Your favourite Goth brand.
Day 22 – If you could attend any Goth event what would it be?
Day 23 – Your favourite artist or photographer.
Day 24 – What body mod do you have or have you considered?
Day 25 – If you could dye your hair any colour what would it be?
Day 26 – Show a photo for every year that you've been into Goth.
Day 27 – The worst thing you ever did to a newbie.
Day 28 – Did you ever consider leaving the subculture?
Day 29 – What do you think will happen to Goth in the future?
Day 30 – Do you consider yourself an eldergoth?

I'll be starting day one during the week.

trying to act like a grown-up...

yet I;m failing horribly! I mean, I really must have the peter pan's syndrome, but everything is either more expensive or I really  hate paying everything myself. well, not everything, after all mum pays for my education...yet still! I mean c'mon! it's absurd, 10 dollars for a SMALL of cereal? no effing way! this is ridicoulus!

in other news, I think I may have finally decided on a career, my mom is the one that doesn't have faith in me anymore, but hey! I'm the one studying right? so, yes, forensic medicine! I want to be an M.E. for a investigative service, any to be honest, hoping for one in Germany but maybe that's aspiring a lot.

Hope I get in med school though...

I don't know, I won't answer

I'm tired!
Thank god my family doesn't check out my blogs, because really, they would be scared and call me a slut even more.
gods! yes, I know I have a serious problem with relationships! I know I always choose poorly, but they don't even let me be. When I have a gf I have to hide her, literally, like in a box or something because if they find out it's hell! They're so homophobic it's not even remotly funny.
It's livable though, since I tend to like guys more than girls, yet, every time I get a new bf they want to kill him. So I just recently broke up with my last ex, and I'm tired. He treated so wrong, like basically all my bfs, yet I met this guy a few weeks ago who'se amazing and I enjoy spending time with. We just talk! We talk, hug, sometimes hold hands, but we haven't even kissed and it's not on our plans. We like the way things are now, yet my family is already disliking him for that fact alone.
They said the same about my best friend, and yet I proved them that we were just friends and they still think bad of me. So now, that I am dating or sort of this guy, they hate his mere gut just for the fact he's dating me.

Also, they always remind me that I depend on them for everything. They keep screaming at me that I do everything wrong, and I just think, so what? stop going to pick me up in parties, that way I can drink without getting scolded, and dance with everyone without your inquisitorial eyes upon us. You don't want to give me money? then don't ask me to pay for the parking when yu don't have change, and so not give me money afterwards as reward for paying it.

I feel like a lapdog, always there at their beck and call, and if in revenge I poo on the carpet I get kicked out of the room but not into the garden.
And all this, because I'm a baby who does not know anything about herself.

I just need to rest, and a new job that pays more for less hours. I overwork myself for mere scraps of money.

dancing with myself on the street

I hide behind my big teddy, I'm scared.
Trully, is there nothing good left in this world? Especially just one good thing for me?
I just wish that if there were, it would happen soon. I'm getting tired of living my life on the floor, maybe the hand of a good friend might help to steady me.

I hate that I miss my friends, I wish we had simpler timetables, that way we could see each other more often than not.

just tired

I'm on my bed right now, chatting with my bf over the internet, and just think on how tired I am every day, wether I work or not.
and yet, people expect even more of me, and I don't know how to comply.

I guess I'm just not myself anymore, just needed to explain why I haven't posted as much lately.

Pathethic attempts of women

Yes, I just am tired of it. I really am pissed off at something, the lies they tell of me, yet no one speaks of the real bitches around this town.
Apparently in the only party I've ever been with this guy (who'se the second guitarrist in my bf's band), I've slept with three guys and then I tried to sleep with him and he kicked me out of the bed.
It's actually good to know so I can keep track with whom I've been sleeping.

It's so annoying the lies they tell of me, yet my bf's ex gf slept around with any guy she could get even when she was with him, dumped him the day of his birthday, then lied about being pregnant so he would still take care of her while she fucked any number of other guys; and now that he has a gf that actually takes care of him, she insults him saying he didn't lost time to replace her.

I'm just so tired of anoying bitches, I'm a really good girl. I try to have good manners, treat everyone the way they deserve, I don't go telling tall tales to people, I just try to be a good citizen and defend myself. Then why? Why even when I fight back, people just make fun of me? This is terribly anoying.


Do you have any regrets? I do! I have but one regret in my life, and it came back to haunt me yesterday. I don't wish to make it public, but trust me when I tell you that it is something really bad. No, I haven't killed anyone, just not yet.
My boyfriend told me he knew yesterday, he also said he did not care. He loves me now, not in my past. He does not care what I did, he cares about what I will do in the future, especially with him.

It just made me wonder though, do you guys out there have any regrets? How do you deal with them? How do you sleep at night?

I just don't really know what to honestly think right now, except for the part that I think it makes me stronger to know that even that one bad thing in my life, will not ruin me anymore unless I let it. I still think it's horrible, that I shouldn't have done it, but there's not much I can do to solve it now, can I?

my new years resolution

I was thinking, that maybe I had left this blog unnatended for too long. I think I'm right. I just haven't found the words, the correct words, with which express my feelings in English.
I'm tired of life, of sucking up to my boss, my mother, of friends who steal my stuff when they know if they ask they can get the same.
I hate people who don't beleive in me, then am I just some poor looser chap? I don't think so.

Anyways, I have a small ray of sunshine so far. I finally left my ex-bf, and no longer suffer from the sickening relationship we had.
Everything a secret, always a bad word, an insult, stupid alcohol.
My friends support me, and I met a guy who'se the complete opposite. He not only treats me good, but is sickening to the point of ridicule on the part of screaming to the world about our relationship. He does not keep me hidden, he actually dislikes for me to pay for everything. It's a complete new ration of fresh air.

In other words, I think I wont move out of the country as fast as I thought. I'm thinking of moving out of my mom's house and if I do, she wont pay for me to leave the country to study. I just can't handle it anymore, my mom just insults me and thinks lowly of me. Even my sister is starting to do so. I don't think I'm strong enough to stand them saying bad stuff to me every day, all day.

Yes, life is shit. Life is never pink colored, even though I wish, but heck this is ridiculous!
So, I'm working very hard, and studying some more, so I can get into uni and move into a rented room with my bf.
With him, rent will be better, and I wont live alone. I like him a lot, so it won't be an inconvinience. Actually, the deal is he cooks, I clean. Because my OCD wont let me let him clean since he cleans once every two weeks. TWO WEEKS! I clean at least once every three days! and that's because I'm tired and come home to sleep.
He's a good cook, contrary of me who just knows how to cook in order to survive. So, it's a good deal actually.

In other words, I'm moving on in life. I just wish everyone else around me did the same.

breaking the habit - Linkin Park

Memories consume
Like opening the wound
I’m picking me apart again
You all assume
I’m safe here in my room
(unless I try to start again)

I don’t want to be the one
The battles always choose
‘Cause inside I realize
That I’m the one confused

I don’t know what’s worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don’t know why I instigate
And say what I don’t mean
I don’t know how I got this way
I know it’s not alright
So I’m
Breaking the habit

Clutching my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more
Than anytime before
I had no options left again

I’ll paint it on the walls
‘Cause I’m the one at fault
I’ll never fight again
And this is how it ends

I don’t know what’s worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
But now I have some clarity
To show you what I mean
I don’t know how I got this
I’ll never be alright
So I’m
Breaking the habit
Breaking the habit